Anxiety- the silent assassin

Updated: Oct 17, 2018

More musings today, partly because I had a s**** day and partly because I am just sick of life at the moment. I know I know, people are much worse off than me. Sometimes I think that's the problem. I have too much, too much to worry about, too much to stress about, too much 'stuff' all the time.

The anxiety doesn't help. It flares up quite often and even though I know I have come such a long way with dealing with it, it still doesn't change the fact that it cripples me sometimes. Makes me want to curl up in a ball, hide away under the doona, sink through the floor. That kind of thing.

A bit of background (and not everything just yet because I have already said I am going to open up slowly on here. It won't happen all at once). I am a Sydney girl, born and bred. A little over two months ago, my husband and I moved to a regional town in NSW, approximately 2 hours from Sydney. I love that we moved. A change was a long time coming and it has meant we finally own our own home. There are times I really miss family but we aren't all that far away and we love hosting visitors.

Some people thought we were crazy to move. Why go regional? A lot of people would ask. And it's simple for me. Less traffic, a slower pace of lifestyle, a better environment to raise our future kids, roadtrips, fresh air, beautiful surroundings. All these things I love.

But it's the work side I am still hating. This is where the anxiety creeps in. Because no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I always end up back in teaching, thinking that it will be different this time. It never is and even though I can meet the best type of people, that's not really the point.

Sunday nights are the worst. A creeping feeling in the pit of my stomach, feeling nauseous, sick to my stomach about the upcoming week. Is it worth it? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Am I really gaining anything from teaching other than a pay check? I jump on forums and read about teachers that have left the profession, are on half the pay check but are incredibly happy.

Happy. Such a simple word that I'm not sure many people feel anymore. That wholehearted happiness, complete fulfillment in their lives, their jobs, their families. Why is it that happiness is so hard to find? I sometimes think I am self sabotaging and negative and maybe I am. But if this blog is to be about my musings, then this has to come up. I am tired of letting my job dictate my moods, my feelings and completely cloud my ability to be happy. Every set of holidays is like a revival. I become myself again, care free, happy, refreshed. I want to feel like that every day.

I want to feel complete freedom, like these birds :)